We Celebrate

Today we celebrate, we have fun. We celebrate for those who have had to keep quiet, stay in hiding, lose their families, face violence and death. We celebrate our place in our society and this nation. We celebrate not to set ourselves apart, but for all to know who we are and to join us in the joyful promise of living. Happy Pride, everyone!

Relationships: The Space in Between

If you haven’t noticed from all of the red merchandise in stores, the “Hallmark holiday” of Valentine’s day is just around the corner. The pressure to shower our beloved with demonstrations of affection can be pretty strong. What do Lionel Richie, Dave Matthews and the cast of “Glee” have to tell us about healthy relationships in this season of romance? One clue: it’s all about the space in between.

In my newest post at TC Jewfolk, I explore the role of boundaries in healthy relationships. While you’re at TCJF, check out the other great stuff there.

(Photo: jowiki)

Avoiding the New Year’s Resolution Trap

A new year and a new decade later this week bring up the annual question of New Year’s resolutions. My take: skip the resolutions and commit to living the promise of the you that you already are. I was invited to write a guest blog on this at TC Jewfolk. You can can read my piece here.

While you’re over at TC Jewfolk, take a look at some of the other fine writing Leora and Emily are assembling every week.

Best wishes to all for a happy, healthy and joy-filled decade ahead.

How to Make Amends to Another Person

Being an imperfect human being means that none of us is immune from hurting other people and, by corollary, it is inevitable that people will hurt us. One of the skills of a well-lived life is to be able to recognize and right the wrongs we have created through our actions.

This is a thread that runs through many spiritual and ethical belief systems. The 12-Step tradition that guides many people through recovery from a pattern of life-destroying behavior, emphasizes making an objective inventory of what we have done wrong in our lives and requires us to make amends to others we have harmed.

Judaism is another tradition that explicitly calls us to remediate the pain we are responsible for creating through our actions (or inactions). As I write this, Jews the world over are preparing for Yom Kippur, the day of atonement. An informal tradition of this day devoted to reflection on the way we have lived our lives, is to reach out to people we have harmed and to make amends.

In our very defensive culture, a sincere statement of apology can seem to be a hard thing to do. Perhaps it is a threat to our self-esteem. Maybe it makes us feel weak. Maybe we just don’t know how.

In the spirit of this season of healthy repentance, I humbly offer these suggestions for making amends to another person:

1. Accept that you screwed up. Don’t just feel bad that someone else feels bad about your actions. Really look at what you did and the consequences of your actions. It may be helpful to talk to a friend whom you trust to give you honest, un-sugar-coated feedback.
2. Express sincere remorse for your actions. None of this “I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt,” crap will do. Reach out to the person you wronged. Say to them something like this: “I am sorry that I _______. I know that I hurt you.” There’s a catch with this step: sometimes you may cause more harm to a person by making amends than by leaving them alone. Never express remorse just to make yourself feel better if it will hurt the other person further.
3. The other person may not be able to accept your sincere and heartfelt apology. You must accept this gracefully, and move on. This doesn’t take you off the hook for having wronged them in the first place. It is okay to apologize again at a later time. If they consistently don’t accept your apology, despite your best efforts, then there is nothing further you can do. However, you will know in your heart that you have done everything possible to make amends.
4. Where possible take another action to restore what was lost. It can be as simple as a sincere act of kindness to that person, or it may be something tangible such as repayment of an expense the other person incurred as the result of your regretted action. If the person you wronged is not prepared to receive your restitution, an act of kindness to a stranger or a contribution to a charity provides you the opportunity to put forth something positive to counteract your action.
5. Reflect on what you have learned so that you can take the opportunity to attempt to live a more loving and ethical life.
6. Once you have made amends to one you have wronged and have an understanding of how you did what you did, it is time to forgive yourself. Repentance also calls us to treat ourselves with loving care so that we are free to give our best  to others.

UPDATE: Leora Maccabee at TC Jewfolk takes a humorous look at making amends by spotlighting five famous apologies. You can judge for yourself whether or not they hit the mark.

What I’ve Picked Up So Far

Duluth, MN 2007 (Photo Credit: Christopher Bargeron)

1. There is no substitute for being content with your own company.
2. Having a pet keeps you from being utterly and completely wrapped up in your own stuff.
3. Guilt and shame are not the same thing; guilt often gets a bad wrap.
4. Being human comes with the challenge of incompleteness: no other person, or religious belief can ever take this away.
5. Showing up matters. A mundane example is participating in a home owner’s association.
6. Affirming the existence of God without needing to contain God inside a definition can help a thinking person stay connected to their spirituality.
7. Being truly kind to another person can bring unimagined richness into your life.
8. Intelligence can get in the way of wisdom.
9. Sometimes the most effective next step in resolving a conflict with another person is to say nothing.
10. Whether we like it or not, all living beings are interconnected and how we live together and treat our world matters — a lot.
11. One of the most loving things you can do for another person is to wholly accept them just as they are.
12. Whipped cream cheese is a great way to administer a pill to your dog. So is peanut butter.
13. “If you wait around long enough, you’ll see everything.” –Jeb Berkeley, PhD, San Francisco
14. Spending time with older adults can help you remember what is important in your own life.
15. It’s never too soon to start to use moisturizer.

Got Health?

Part of the work I do is in the area of increasing access to health care, particularly among the working poor. A  community organization in Minneapolis that I know about has been recently facilitating dialogue among residents of a neighborhood where economic and health disparities abound. The goal of these conversations has been very simple: to define “health.”

 

Traditional definitions of health often tend to focus on an absence of disease or infirmity. Over time definitions of health have become more expansive to include social and mental health factors as well. The Minneapolis residents group described health as a resource for daily life, that emphasizes social and personal resources, as well as physical capacity. They concluded their work by defining the following principles of community health:

• Health is a state of physical, mental, social and spiritual well-being.
• Health is the state of balance, harmony, and connectedness within and between many systems – the body, the family, the community, the environment, and culture.
• Health is an active state of being; people must be active participants to be healthy.
• Health is not only the absence of infirmity and disease.
• Health cannot be seen only in an individual context.
• Health cannot be achieved by being passive.

 

How can we apply these principles to improve or sustain the quality of our lives? The media are flooded with messages about diseases and pharmaceutical treatments. The medical establishment drives us to focus on the state of our bodies: eating the right diet, getting the right diagnostic tests at the right times of life, exercising to keep our hearts healthy, and the rest. I’m not anti-medical establishment, but what about expanding the questions we ask ourselves about health? Some ideas:

 

Am I connected to the community in which I live? What can I do to make it a better place for everyone here now, and for those who come after me?

 

Am I nourishing my spirit, as well as my body? Do I have a sense of meaning and purpose in my life?

 

Am I fully awake and present to perceive the possibilities that emerge every day to enhance this expanded notion health in my life or the lives of others?

 

Keeping our bodies working well and avoiding disease are essential to optimal health, but they are not sufficient. By attending to the state of the world, our communities, our neighbors, our minds and our spirit, we can strive not just to stay “healthy” – but to live well.

Great Book #1: When Things Fall Apart (Pema Chodron)

No matter your philosophy of life or your spiritual path, it is helpful to have an emergency first-aid kit for the heart. Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times is just that. This book was given to me by a therapist at a time in my life when I felt as if my world was falling apart. That wasn’t merely a thinking error on my part: it really was falling apart.

Chodron, an American-born Buddhist nun and teacher, tells it like it is. We are who we are; we can’t be anything else than. There are no quick fixes and the things we commonly do to make ourselves feel better — drink, have sex, watch television — may ease the pain but they don’t change anything. And we lose the opportunity to grow as the result of embracing the difficulty and darkness in our life. Surrendering control over the world and the actions of others; having compassion and kindness for ourselves and for others in our lives; these are the source of growth, strength and — ultimately — contentment.

Chodron writes “This very moment is the perfect teacher and, lucky for us, it is with us wherever we go.” Clearly this work is coming from the Buddhist tradition. However, one does not need to subscribe to any particular teaching to benefit from its message. This slim volume could change your life. It did mine.

When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times (Amazon.com)

Pema Chodron On Compassion

Is this thing on?

Here is the first post of Yet Another Personal Growth Blog. Even before I get started, I’m wondering if the world needs another one of these. A quick search on del.icio.us results in 855 hits. And those are only blogs that users went to the trouble to bookmark. I can’t bring myself to do a Google search to find the rest. If you do that, please don’t tell me about it.

It seems pretty unlikely that there is any demand for a blog that explores the developmental journey each of us is on, but for some reason I need this blog to exist. If you’re just read the last five six words of the previous sentence,  I ‘m guessing that you’re at least a little curious about what this may turn out to be. Welcome! Thanks for being here.

Here’s what I’m hoping to do with Project You:

• Explore topics that can lead us to better understand ourselves and perhaps heighten our insight as to how we got to be where we are right now…and where we want to go next. 
• Share ideas, books, media and other things that are of interest to those of us who are trying to pay attention to life.
• Use the process of blogging to learn and grow, and to hopefully provide at least a small benefit to you.

I am explicitly using words like “our,” “us” and “you.” I see this process as something I’m engaged in with others. I hope to get glimmers of who you are, so please comment freely. Dialogue between people who follow this blog would be yummy icing on the cake!

So, like, what the hell do I know and why should you care about what I think? Good question… and I don’t have much of an answer. Like everyone, I know what I have experienced in my life. Additionally, I do work that brings me close to the lives of other people. I say just a little more about myself here. I’ll leave it at that for now. I’m thinking all that really matters  is what you think based on what you experience here. So…you be the judge.

And tell me what you think.